Ivan xP

THe EnD

2010-07-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

No more,
It ends here.
That's all.. ,
This life had...

-IvAn-

This sucks.

2010-07-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

I'm all alone again. Usually self pity will overwhelm me. But not now. Maybe in the past. It just don't work anymore. I had realise that this is a fact. That people will be constantly changing. Their appearance, their attitude.. Even their feelings towards someone. With the exception of commitement, I think i finally understand that i should let go of all the person i love. Letting go in the sense that they will have more freedom. Not to be hold down with me. Stuck like glue to me. NO! It shouldn't turn out that way. But if it must, then i will have to suffer alone only. No one else. This is because the whole problem start with me. The less person i love, the less pain i feel when they are going to leave. Of course, nothing last forever. Thus, i guessed i had finally understand what life meant by this way and i kinda accept it in my own harsh way. On top of that, no matter what path i choose, I am going to suffer. Maybe after the short-term happiness that i felt while being with my love ones, it will still won't last forever, one day it's gonna end. And when that happens, i will only suffer more. Because the more you tend to love someone, the more protective you will be over them, not wanting to lose them in any kind of way, old age, sickness, etc. But i realise that by understanding that everything changes, it will be easier to recover from the hurt and pain that i felt. After all, it's more to like a growing up and learning process for me. Helping me to cope with what's coming on in the future. Still, I find that living alone does have some benefits, i can now see who really cares for me and who really don't. Although it's not enough to seal the wound, i expect no wound to last forever and i know my body is strong enough to recover from any scars. I had fall down a few times before but i managed to get up. So why not now? I dont find letting go any more a problem to me. Frankly, it seems more easy that way. With me knowing that there is already more people who cares about the people i used to care for. It made my over protecting over the people i care die down in my heart. Although it's still burning there, of course, that also proved how much i love them. Obviously it will hurt, because i love them so much. I can't expect much though, just for them to be happy. That's all i wish for. And i know that i will be happy too. :D

I'm lonely. =(

2010-04-07T07:54:00.000-07:00

This painful emptiness,
And need for human touch.
This deep sad longing
I don't want to need this much.

People all around me,
To whom I can't reach out.
I feel all by myself,
In a crowd I cannot count.

At least a person's presence,
Is comforting in some way.
But I need someone to care,
What happens in my day.

Certainly, there are people here,
But with them I cannot share.
I want a shoulder to cry upon,
And tell me that they care...

How men change after married

2009-12-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!

Cool right? Adopted from internet. :-)

Letting go, moving on..

2009-12-30T06:02:00.000-08:00

There's this person. That person is always on my mind, and i cant seem to let go. It's breaking my heart. But i wanted that person to be happy. I really don't know what else to do. I don't want it to end this way. Who won't want a happy ending anyway. But if that person will be happy if i let that person go, i think i should. For i believe that if that person is really mine, that person will come back.

1 day prior to camp.

2009-12-15T07:47:00.000-08:00

I wanna get demetia. My brain is suffering. I just hope i could enjoy camp to the fullest and think about nothing else.. D=

Misery pending. Disappointedd with this reality dream.

2009-10-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

You didn't say goodbye. How could you leave me. You had been so cruel. You don't call, you don't write, you don't reply. You don't even stop by and then you said you'd protect me. You said you'd be there but now it seems like you don't care. I miss you and I love you. I'm always thinking of you. For you were the only one I could bear to be around. I miss you, I miss you, yes, yes, yes I do. Now my soul is falling, and my life is failing. I wish you were here. And now i cry. Can't you see my tears. Now i would love just to hug you. I never wish you would go away. but now you've left, and i felt lost. I wanted to know what happenned. But i'm sure now it wasn't important. The importance is that you know i don't blame you. For i want to get away too. I just wish i could reach you just to tell you i need you..

A Day before Mid-Autumn Festival

2009-10-03T05:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday is the mid autumn festival nite. Everything seems to go fine with the preparations.. Even the ''girls'' look good! ^^ But then.. When the event started.. 7.45p.m?! 45 mins later than the actual starting time! I am like wtf! Oh no! Looks like i had to change my agenda! This will be the fourth time already. Changing that agenda over and over again. It seems that what i and saw are saying are true. Morning and afternoon teachers differ in many things. Not only that, each teacher wants something the other teacher don't want! I am getting more blur and more blur. So, i had decided to let my ''konco konco'' do the job. And i don't know how i can end up preparing everything before the festival. Maybe i should have said thanks to Bryan and Jesson for their help. But now it seems like it's kinda too late. Now let's talk back about the agenda. Here they come.. I mean the ochestra.. At first i was hoping there were girls too.. And.. There is!!! Yay! I had even helped them to carry their things. Although it's kind of heavy. =,='' The ochestra went on fine.. But we're out of time! Unexpectedly, we had to bring forward the dinner. It was so finger licking good. We too had commitees taking care of the food. Not to curi makan i hope.. They were using the fan to fly off the flies at there. It was really a funny sight. I was ready to wear my 3-coloured (red, blue, green) commitee band until ryan, the ex head prefect, peras ugut me for the green colour one... =( The green is the brighest glow-in-the-dark.. T.T At last, because of my so-kind heart, i gave it to him.. Nevertheless i still have the other two. =) Which quality may not be that good but it sure win him in quantity..:) After eating, here comes the Drama! ^^, The funny part. Hahax! We had boys dressed as girls. Not only dressed, we had prepared a wig and makeup too! =D The crowd really enjoyed it. I could hear it from their laughter. Non-stop man! Later on, we started with out first game, which is also known as Game 1. We screwed up at first but it went smoothly after a few tries. I couldn't believe Ter Chin Hua could sing. Wow! Then, we had our lucky lucky draw.. I had a prize which was a book. I do remember that Saw Zi Jian had wanted that book. So, i gave it to him. What-to-do.. I had such a kind heart! XD Well, it was a Chinese book... Maybe i couldn't read it? =,= We then proceeded to Game 2. It's kung-fu fighting! This is suppose to be the ice breaking. But as from what i told earlier... It got delayed.. =='' The kung-fu fighting was great! From my view lar.. But i can see that some people was uneasy with it. LOL! Then, we had the 2nd lucky draw. At last, the moment i am waiting for.. The perarakan with tanglung.. Goh and Saw went to get the kong ming lantern which then turn out to be destroyed by students of SMK La Salle. Sigh! Wad can you expect? Student from SMK La Salle wad.. ><'' So we just had the perarakan with tanglung. Thats all. No more flying lanterns.. All my fault for being so careless.. The festival end here and the guests are all going back home. I want to go back home too! =( But i had to stay back and clean the place.. Sigh. On my way walking out.. guess what?? I found a pair of spectacles.. Wonder whose one will it be.. Gave it to the teacher-in-charge and then bye bye! I'm off back home.. Batteries gonna go down anyway.. So that's all for today...

And to my elder brother.. my kor kor.. , I would like to say a few words..

Although you were not there on that day.. , I really really want to thank you for being with me. For messaging me and asking about how the festival is. And asking me to take care.. You were the one that makes me realize.. That life will be tough.. And that I had to be stay calm, relax and be strong. Because of that, I learned to stand up on my own. I learned to live outside of my home. I learned that I am not all alone. Because you are still here for me. You always help me when i am down. And finds me when i am lost. Never tired of saving me from the darkness. You know when i am lying. You will always forgive me. You make me know that truth hurts but lies is worst. You made me feel that i shouldn't lie to you anymore. Because you never shout at me before. You know when I am hurt. You know how to fix me. You know what makes me happy, and you were always there, by my side.. You make me realise that life is a hard painting. But you too make me realise that I had found my strength. And i won't give up. Because i know that i won't be carrying this weight alone. You had always be there for me. Whenever i am feeling blue, you are always there with loving care.When i cry, you dry every single tear. When i hide, you fight every single fear. I do feel safe when i am with you. Because you shield me from every type of danger. And protect me from all my fears. I will always stay strong for i know that you are with me. For you are the one to find me. And caught me when i fall. You are the person that gives me happy tears, although sometimes they are sad but they do take away the pain in me. Because i know that you were the key that unlock my chains. It really rocks having you! You rarely bug me. Although i want you to. You rarely hold me tight too. But i can feel your caring arms. You had lead me through the horrors of the night, and make me content the whole night long. Whenever you took my hand, i understood that you and i are one. Although we are not related by blood, you are a good briend of mind and i loved you like a big brother. You listen to me the whole time. And i really don't know how you could bear with it. But i do wonder, who will i turn to when everything falls apart? I do wonder, what will happen, if one day, you will be gone? I do wonder what will happen when i woke up someday and find out that you left? Who will watch over me? Love me? Cherish me? Save me? Protect me? Feed me? Shield me? I do know that, one day, someday, you might leave me. I wonder, will you always be there for me? You do spend a little more time with your girlfriends. But i am satisfied for you do think of me as well. And no matter what, I will always love you. For you played the roleof big brother in my heart. I will never blame you. No matter what you did. The importance is that, you know that you did wrong and know how to change. Your warm embrace and your kind words.. You are truly the best friend i could ever ask for. I could never had been pulled out of the darkness if not for you. I do love you like a brother and i consider you to be one too. You are worth my life and i would gladly give myself up just for you to be safe. You are the person that gives me happy tears. I am not ashame or shy to say "I love you" because that is the truth. I love you like how I love my family members. I would do anything, including risk my life, for you. My heart just can't seem to part. I can feel that a part of me is dying. This is what you are to me. And this is what you will always be. If you gave me one chance to tell you how i was feeling. I would tell you that i love you and i can't live my life without you. For i lost my faith, and you were my strength when i am losing hope.

-3/10/2009 a.K.a Mid-Autumn Festival Day -- The day half of my heart died --
-Ivan, your lil bro-

To my caring elder bro .. ! XD

2009-08-12T04:49:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me
never to cry
i thought he was crazy
but now i know why
he clear away the tears
that bought pain to my heart
he told me that tears
would just tear my world apart
to the world he may be one person
but to one person(that is me xD)
he may be the world
he who were my big brother
and who is still my big brother
there are so many things i wish to say to him
the first time since i called him big brother
that has already sealed him to me
more firmly than any sworn oath
the childhood i spent with him i will treasure
so that the memories do not faDe
he had never stop watching over my shoulDer
and had never be tired of carrying every boulDer
he was just like the sun to me
so gracefully shining in the sky
as he blazed across the blue heaven
protecting me from anything i shunned
he who was protector, love and kindness
showered me with everything that was him
he will surely beat all the rest
as my big brother is always the best
and he will forever be my big brother.

No matter what you do.. No matter what you say.. To her you are just a friend..

2009-08-10T07:23:00.002-07:00

For you I’m just a friend
Someone who’ll stay until the end
With all your heartaches no one mends
To you my beating heart I’ll lend.

Though I smile when I see your face
My sorrows leave no single trace
Because I am only your friend
Laughs and cheers I must make pretend.

When you speak of the joy He brings
Undying love above all things
My heartfelt trust to you I’ll send
Because to you I’m just your friend.

With every word I stab myself
For I can’t show you how I felt
Because for you I’m just a friend
To you my heart cannot transcend.

To love you is a fallacy
Cause we are never meant to be
The only thing that you can see
A good friend’s heart inside of me.

So I must face reality
That both our hearts can never be
For you just see me as a friend
This is where it’s going to end.

My second personality ..

2009-08-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

To me you were like a clone,
truly the best friend of my own.
You used to make me smile everyday,
and always knew how to dry my tears away.
But you destroyed all that joy,
and sold our friendship out for a boy.
Now you don't seem like my clone like before,
and you once were my best friend, but not anymore...

Sucks.. ==v

2009-07-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

In the middle of the crowd

I feel alone

the friends

that care for me

were just too busy with their lives

suffering from a broken heart

i cry

i scream

at the top of my lungs

trying to get noticed

am i selfish?

hurting myself

to find out whether i'm still alive

my heart still bleeds

my life keeps on going

only i don't anymore

i walked like an autopilot

non-existence.

Haih

2009-07-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry but this friendship is over.

We can't still be friends,

not after all you've done.

Did you think I'd still be here

when you decided you wasn't mad anymore?

Sorry to disappoint you,

But I'm not a video game,

you can't put me on pause

and come back when you want to,

And when things aren't going your way,

you can't hit reset.

So, I'm sorry,

but

Game Over.

I'm tired.

2009-06-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

I never cry out of happiness before. My ineffable tears were never used for happy moments. All my nostalgia seem to just fade away like the words in the sand. Today i'm feeling the same way too. I must have been paranoid. My tears are all in vain. It just seems that i had to go through all this again and again. Isn't there any happy ending? Although you were just lying, acting in front of me, i yearned for you, always wanting you to just fake a smile for me. Is that just so hard? Against ur law? Punished if anything wrong happens? I seem to had blown away the only light i had. Now i'm alone, in the darkness, that's right. Exactly like hell. No difference. Who would have expected.. Me to go to hell.. ? Trying my best to run away from everything. From there, I miss you.. taking you away were just like taking my own life away. This life really is suffering. Wanting to accept the fact. We're from two different worlds. Giving up. Lost hope. It seems that losing you is the same like i lost everything. The same thing is just coming back and happening again. Haunting every second of my life. The tears i cried for you, drying up. Sooner or later, there will be no longer tears. Crying just don't mean a single thing to the one i'm crying for.

Dota

2009-06-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

Conclusion..
v6.60 sucks..

Still think it's not sarcastic enough..

2009-06-07T04:43:00.000-07:00

Your fragileness

make me scared

not daring to touch

your beautiful soul.

For I am afraid,

you may shatter

into a thousand pieces

and leave me

all alone.

I rather leave you

on the mantelpiece,

so that from afar

I can admire you

day and night,

every time,

without destroying

your pure image

in reality,

and

in my heart.

As long as

you're smiling,

although,

not to me,

my will of surviving

will still be there,

burning vigorously,

never to turn off,

my heart

beating so fast,

the wings of a hummingbird

whenever i see you.

The smile on your face

melts my heart.

I just can't forget

the look in your eyes.

The touch of your hand

can still be felt

forever and ever.

My heart and soul

Had already been given to you.

Without you still here,

I'm just like a living dead.

Wandering helplessly,

always hunger for your love.

Never seem to get

enough of it.

Although you decided

not to choose me,

I will not stop

wishing you

being well and happy,

because,

I care for you,

and

my love for you

will never change..

Lol.. XD lalala..

My first drawing.. ^^

2009-06-07T03:33:00.000-07:00

Yay.. !! My first drawing i've drawn on the internet. XP From Tegaki E. Great man.. ! You should try it too. Lol. =.=

Although a bit ''cacated''.. Sorry larx. Can't think of anything else to draw at that time.. =/

Girls.. ?? LOL.. =.=

2009-06-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

Girls are like internet virus

They enter your life

Scan your pocket

Transfer your money

Edit your mind

Upload her problems

And

Hang you forever.. XD

To my ex gf.. If i ever got one.. Lol

2009-05-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

Just my luck…

I would have to fall for

The most beautiful person in the world,

And there is nothing

I can ever do about it.

Helpless, before you.

It is final;

It is unjust,

But it’s everything I’ve ever believed,

And then I find there’s still more…

So much more.

Taking my mind for a spin,

Turning my world upside down,

Or sometimes

Doing nothing at all.

Blank.

Whatever we are,

You are beautiful,

When I say this,

I think the world misunderstands,

Words cannot explain.

Never.

I want so badly to be able

To find the right words for you,

But I don’t think,

There is such a word.

Nothing.

I look at other people,

And never really see them at all,

The only thing I see,

In this desolate world,

Is you.

Only you.

It’s difficult for me,

To look at you,

compared to me,

You don’t even know

How wonderful you are.

Perfect.

I should never expect,

Anyone who is so flawless,

On the outside and the inside,

To lower themselves enough

To ever be with me.

I deserve it.

I know it’s not your fault,

Anyone who looks at you,

Sees only beauty,

And it’s just my luck.

Bad luck.

To be in love with

Such an adorable person,

Who I don’t even deserve,

It is a privilege just to see you,

Smiling at me every day.

Sadness.

Even when you are sad,

I see your smile

From my place before you,

And I think…

You.

I can only ever think of you,

From here in the land of ugly,

I have no right

To even think about loving

Anyone as beautiful as you.

No.

There will never be anyone else,

You are the only person,

Who fits with me

Like no other.

No one else..

I find it is a very meaningful poem.. XP

To my friend.. XD

2009-04-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

I'll always be beside you..

Until the very end..

Wiping all your tears away..

Being your best friend..

I'll smile when you smile..

And feel all the pain you do..

And if you cry a single tear..

I promise i'll cry too..
XP

Friends..

Even from the ice pole..

Lilo And Stitch too have friends..

ANYWAY.. !!

Dun be like this...

Dota.. DoTa.. DOTA.. !!

2009-04-28T04:23:00.000-07:00

I'm a ReaL DoTa FreAk.. Nearly everyday got play Dota.. Lol.. But usually play with people.. Dunno why today.. Scared of people.. TRAUMA.. !! I somehow didn't play with people.. Swt.. Play with ai plus pulak.. But anyway.. Trashed them all the same.. XP

With...

LUNA.. !!

105 kills
0 dies
23 minutes
Hahax..

Not forgetting the hero that i like too..
One of my favourite hero.. XP

POTM.. =.=

My emotions.. XD

2009-04-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

Let the broken heart

lie on the floor

dont pick it up

dont touch it

let its emotions

seep away with the blood

into the night

let them dissapear

into the night

into nothingness

let them fade

who wants them?

a broken and twisted soul

devoid of emotion

screaming out nothing

but of everything

can it just be laid

to rest

and never

looked upon again..

One day...

2009-04-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

Thinking bout it again i just cant figure out what is my feelings now..

Happy?

Sad?

Sorry?

Lonely?

Relieved?

Scared?

Shocked?

Optimistic?

Regret?

Confident?

LoL.. 10 emotions.. Swt.. I just can't feel what my heart is feeling.. Totally in and out..

One day...

Angles won't fly anymore..

Devils too may cry..

First time blogging..

2009-04-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

Yayay..!! I'm a blogger.. !! At last.. Lol.. i always wanted to be a blogger.. It's just delayed due to my 'busy' schedule.. Anyway i'm still a newbie at this.. Wonder how the other bloggers get to do it so well.. Some tunjuk ajar anyone.. ?? XP